Monday, March 12, 2012

3, 2, 1........REST!




Crossfit is a little like golf where you police yourself and the only person you are really cheating is yourself when you take shortcuts. With that said, if you are going to survive Crossfit, you have to learn some "tricks". If I could teach everyone just one thing, it would be how to get in some extra "rest" without it being viewed as resting or resulting in you getting yelled at. Here are some ideas for you to try at the next WOD....





  • Stay Down aka "Nap Time" - When you are doing push-ups (especially hand release) once you get your chest on the floor. Don't come back up until someone yells your name or you have caught your breath, whichever comes first. While this sounds easy enough it is still tricky. You have to keep one eye on your trainer to make sure they don't notice you are not moving but don't make direct eye contact. It just makes them angry. Also, if you bring a pillow and a blanket it's a dead giveaway.
  • Loud Noises aka "The Screamer" - This is most effective in a big class on moves like kettle bell swings and wall balls. There is a lot of movement in a large group with those moves and the loud noise will make it appear that you are equally active. Make the loud noise sound like a grunt or growl. If you yell a cuss word they may think you are injured and check on you. (Side note - Farts don't count but are equally effective in keeping the trainers away.)
  • Chalk your hands aka "The Mime" - If you are doing pull ups or anything with a bar, you can go over to the chalk bucket and just stay there until your hands are so white they will only listen to country music and marry their cousin. 
  • Puke aka "The Sarah" - Now this is easier said than done. First of all you have to have a strong gag reflex which is not something I usually admire in a woman but for Crossfit it works. You have to stagger to the nearest garbage can but keep your back to the trainer so they can't see you put your finger down your throat. Then stay there as long as you need. No one interrupts a puker.
  • Be Positive aka "The Cheerleader" - When the trainer walks by say things like "Let's go!""Keep Moving!", or "C'mon Kyle!" to the guy or girl next to you. If the trainer asks you how long you have left, stay vague by saying things like "Almost there" or "Just a few more". This is really important because if you give them the real number they might actually start counting and no one wants that....
  • The Bathroom Break aka "The #2 Combo" - Now this one is touchy. If you stay in too long you will need a corresponding smell to go with your excuse so you really only have time for a #1 here. If you do decide to use "taking the Browns to the Superbowl" as your excuse then go all in and shout "Deadman Walking!" when you leave the room. No one will risk going in and exposing the lie....
  • Run away aka "The Forrest Gump" - This one only works in good weather. When you go outside to run say 400m, make sure your car keys are in your pocket and drive home. To make this work you have to be belligerent the following day when you ask "Why in the hell is my time not on the whiteboard?" You really have to get pissed which will either make them think they really forgot to update your time or that you are simply crazy. Either way you win...

I hope that this helps some of you. I would also like to say that if any member of the CFD police is reading this, everything above is purely fictional and would never be attempted under your studious, watchful, and very helpful eye.....



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