April 12, 2012

Reebok needs help....

I saw this ad that Reebok ran for a "sales associate" the other day

Now Hiring: Affiliate Relationship Manager Needed

I'm not sure it really describes what they are looking for, (or need) so I thought I would help them out and give it an accurate description....

HELP WANTED - Affiliate Relationship Manager for Reebok CrossFit

1. Must have previous experience selling products that are completely out of stock.
2. Must be able to say "No, we are not trying to be like "Lululemon" with complete sincerity or at a minimum without snickering.
3. Represent the Reebok brand effectively without telling anyone you really wished you worked for Nike.
4. Learn the names of at least 3 kids from the sweatshops and what 3rd world country they are from. (It shows you care)
5. Communicate sales of special events to senior management without using the phrase "We sold less than Rogue" 
6. Be comfortable wearing the Reebok brand (which means your shoes will fit true to size but your shirts and shorts are "all bets off")
7. Must be able to tell the difference between being called a "Sellout" and being "Sold out" while doing both at the same time.
8. When taking orders from Affiliate Owners do not ask if they want the "Full Douche" or "Half Douche" when describing order size.
9. Effectively canvas your territory to meet Affiliate owners, attend in person, do WOD's, coordinate events, and say "Bro" a lot.
10. Have a strong connection to the CrossFit community and/or just eat a lot of bacon.

Note: Before anyone at Reebok decides to sue me, I'd like to go on record that I own a pair of Nanos with matching douchey knee socks. Like every other CrossFitter out there, I am a sucker........

Now get your sh*t together and get the Oly shoes in stock already. If keeping shoes in stock were a WOD you would DNF.

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