June 12, 2014

The top ten tips a CrossFitter REALLY needs to know…

I’ve been CrossFitting for three plus years now. Over that time I have read a few dozen articles/blogs on what new CrossFitter’s need to do to be successful and/or tips to make them better. I think most of them are totally full of sh*t. Don’t get me wrong. There is some value in learning how to make hand wraps or how often to take a rest day but there are “training tips” and there is “real world advice”. I subscribe to the latter. I plan to keep it real and give you ten tips for what a CrossFitter REALLY needs to know….

1. “The Burpee Nap”- Burpees suck balls. They are usually the reason you can’t catch your breath during a WOD. Solution: The Burpee Nap. Wait until your thighs and chest hit the floor and stay there. Yes, you read that right. Stay there. I usually stay down there 2-3 seconds before coming back up but on really hard WODs a pillow and blanket are not out of the question…

2. “The Bathroom Break aka The Number Two Combo”- Going to the bathroom mid-WOD is usually frowned upon but if you gotta go, make a production of it and when you flush, shout “TIME!” at the top of your lungs…

3. “The Dead Stare”- Deadlifts, Wall Balls, and Box Jumps are always more fun if performed in the general vicinity of the girl in booty shorts. The trick is staring with your peripherals. If you are good at it, the WOD will fly by. If you get caught staring make sure your run game is tight because most of these girls have big boyfriends. Don’t worry. Big dudes are slow. It’s science….

4. “Obootycare” - If you decide to hook up with someone at the gym then make sure they know that you are just “WODding with Benefits”. Otherwise sh*t is gonna get awkward fast…

5. “The Cheerleader” - Seriously. No mid-WOD cheerleading. I don’t need you up in my business telling me how awesome I am doing when you finished before I did. If you are going to do that you should just wait until I am following rule #2 and stand outside the bathroom door shouting “PUSH!” Just let me sweat and die in peace….

6. “Fear of Commitment” - If your coach ever asks you what rep you are on DON”T commit to a number. Say something like “I’m almost there” or “I’m getting close”. On the off chance you miscounted you can correct yourself without having to do extra reps. Pretend it’s like sex with your wife. There is a fine line between finishing too early or getting yelled at for pounding away for no good reason when everyone else is done…

7.  “Ditka”- Don’t give me pointers if you are not a coach. I realize that you are excited that you finished first and think you are helping but you are not. I don’t care if you are Rich Froning’s lesser known jerk of a brother Dick Froning. Don’t coach me…

8. “Zanadu” - Grown men don’t wear headbands. It makes you look like Olivia Newton John. Stop it…

9. “The Porn Star” - If you are exhausted and want to be left alone, go grab a foam roller and make loud moaning noises as you roll. It helps if you also make your “O” face. (Note: this only works if you’re a dude.)

10. “The Mime” - No bathing in chalk. When it’s hot and humid you may need a little chalk. Remember that I said a little. You don’t need so much that it looks like you have been giving hand jobs to circus clowns….

Ok Peeps. That is all the best advice I can give. It’s hard to believe I don’t have a Level One….Regardless, Go pull up your knee socks and get some work in . 3-2-1 Go!

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