Monday, June 9, 2014

Training Log of a CrossFit Games Athlete



Daily Training Log

7:00 AM - Wake up. Call the box and ask unpaid coach how the morning classes went. Get pissed that no one puked or passed out. Tell him to work harder next time or I’ll find someone else to not pay…

8:00 - Make coffee with almond milk, 4 scoops of protein powder, &  1/2 cup unicorn tears. Eat a  Paleo breakfast by having chicken lay the eggs directly into my mouth. Made sure to dip my bacon in the protein shake. Took a huge Paleo deuce. Make sure to shout “Time!” as I flush…

9:00 - Stare in mirror and yell at 1% body fat until it disappears in shame. Shower, wax chest, and apply self tanning cream. I have to be careful with the application. I don’t want my junk to look like a Cheeto.

10:00 - Get dressed. Can’t decide on which pair of shorts with my name and games number to wear. Go with the black pair that are worth $10 but sell for $85. I take 3 t-shirts with me but make no plans to wear them at any point in the day. Drive to gym listening to replays of past games events…

11:00 - Time for 1st WOD of the day. Have to keep it light so I go with 100 snatches at 265#. I enjoy tech work like this. Took me 3:26. I think I’m streaking so I reapply self tanning cream…

12:00 PM - Lunch: I eat 2 whole chickens, 4 sweet potatoes and a gallon of water. I sneak in the bathroom and eat a Snickers bar while telling myself I still look pretty…

1:00 - I read Rich Froning’s book “First: What it takes to win”. I wonder if that’s him on the cover. I’ve never actually seen any view of him except from the back…

2:00 - It’s time for the second WOD of the day. I have trouble deciding what to do so I do all five workouts from this years Open. It was a nice little warm up and I almost broke a sweat…

3:00 - Mobility work: Shove 2 Lacrosse Balls up my ass while shouting “I’m ELITE mother f*ckers!!”…

4:00 - Time for my last WOD of the day before the PM classes start. I do a 15 minute AMRAP of cock push ups and then have gym members take turn dropping Atlas Stones on my abs…

5:00 - When no one is looking put 3 boxes next to each other at varying heights and stand on the tallest. Hey. I can see my normal box from up here…

6:00 - Spend some time working on my petition to get Jesus considered a performance enhancing drug. It may be the only way to take down the champ…

7:00 - Dinner: I have another huge Paleo meal and Instagram the sh*t out of it…

8:00 - Spend hour in Oxygen tent made by Rogue…

9:00 - Post favorite Bible verse on Twitter. Proverbs 23:4 “Don’t weary yourself to be Rich. In your wisdom show restraint”…

10:00 - Bed time: Take new Progenex sleep shake made from breast milk and a diuretic so you sleep like a baby…



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