Sunday, January 11, 2015

CrossFit Resolutions

This is the time of year where much like the rest of you I make a few New Years Resolutions.  They are probably similar to the ones you have. Drink less (fail), clean up my diet (fail), and cuss less (F*@king fail). This year I decided to make a few CrossFit Resolutions but not for myself. These are for some of you guys out there who take this sh*t a little too seriously…

Resolution #1 - Wear a shirt during the WOD: I should start by saying this resolution only applies to the dudes. Ladies, feel free to do whatever you are comfortable with. As for the guys, I know it’s hard to RX the workout and deal with the weight of that really heavy shirt but seriously just do it. I can’t decide if you are doing it because you think it’s cool or you just want us to see your Rich Froning chest wax impression but stop it. Save that sh*t for the pool…

Resolution #2 - Count your reps: Now I am not the guy that is going to workout next to you and count your reps however if you are going to short them at least be close. Don’t be the guy that calls time on 150 wall balls at 5 mins. I don’t care that you cheat at CrossFit but I do care that your math is bad. Here’s how you cheat next time. Calculate the amount of time it takes you to do ten reps of whatever you are doing and multiply by the total number being done and add in a reasonable break time. You can’t be faster than that Einstein…

Resolution #3 - Quit wearing booty shorts: This is controversial. Look ladies, I’m sure they are more comfortable and allow you to have better range of motion but I’m just a dude. I can’t continue to hit my leg on box jumps because you are distracting me. I think if gyms are going to allow booty shorts then they should allow me to bring a 6 pack and a lawn chair to watch the WODs. It seems fair to me. In any event, you are affecting my fitness. Wear real shorts…

Resolution #4 - No fancy programming: This is for the coaches. Some of you think you are creating a masterpiece with each workout. You make the WODs more convoluted than they need be, confuse the sh*t out of people and sometimes it’s just dangerous. They usually look like this:

For time: (6 min time cap)
50 Kettlebell back hand springs
400m Run on one leg wearing an eyepatch
30 Bar facing burpees and fart when jumping over the bar
20 Clean and Twerks 
10 Legless and armless rope climbs

Just cut it out. You’re not Dave Castro. Give us 3 rounds of a couplet or a triplet and call it a day already…

Resolution #5 - Quit Facebook bragging about your WOD: This is a little hypocritical of me since I am knee deep in social media but I tend to keep my CrossFit posts limited to my alter ego here. I’m talking about those of you on my friends list that have to not only post your WOD but abbreviate every single movement like the rest of the world cares or knows what that sh*t means. If I have to see another status update that says “I can wait to do that BBC!” without having to take a minute to figure out you meant barbell complex I’m going to scream…

I’m sure there are more I could list but I wanted to start small this year. My actual resolution list is basically to tell people when I think they are awesome more often, laugh more, and end each day without regrets. I think that will make for a fantastic year. Happy New Year everyone!


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