February 14, 2015

How to not be a douchebag at CrossFit




Have you ever wondered why the press or even others in the fitness community try so hard to discredit CrossFit and it’s methodology? Because CrossFit is chock full of douchebags that’s why. Don’t get me wrong. Not everyone who CrossFit’s is a D-bag but on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being "Summer’s Eve I have that not so fresh feeling”, CrossFit has it’s fair share. With that in mind I felt it was time for me to give you a lesson on:

How to not be a Douchebag at CrossFit

Apparel: One of the telltale signs of a CrossFit douchebag is how they are dressed. They typically will have on brand new Nanos with the Hylete Shorts, knee socks, a Rogue headband, and a clever T-shirt that says “Ask me about my snatch”. I appreciate a good snatch pun as much as the next guy but seriously just wear something you can sweat in…

While we are on the clothing thing I have actually seen the more “elite” CrossFitters do the reverse of this. They work out basically nude but will actually bring 3 shirts for the workout. They will wear the first one and rip it off walking in the door, then do the workout, wipe their sweat with the second shirt and then change into the 3rd one. They won’t wear a shirt because it “weighs them down” but they can’t WOD without their knee sleeves, wrist wraps, knee socks, elbow sleeves, headband, and hand tape. They end up looking like they are one mask away from being a shirtless Spiderman. I can only imagine that their closets at home are filled with one size too small T’s and surrounded in mirrors that they stand in front of while they yell at their 1% body fat…

Food: Paleo is all the rage in CrossFit. If I have to hear one more CrossFitter tell me  they won't eat something because it's "not paleo" I'm going to punch them in their nuts and seeds. Just eat the damn bun with the burger already and do a few extra box jumps.

While I am on the subject of food, what is up with all the CrossFitter's claiming a gluten allergy. You don't have a gluten allergy and you are not "sensitive" to fucking wheat. You wouldn’t be sensitive to wheat if it broke up with your non-allergic lying ass on Valentine’s Day. Just eat the bread and STFU...

Math: Why is counting all your reps so damn hard for some people. Seriously. I've blogged about this before but it keeps happening. You'll be neck and neck with some dude with like two rounds to go and out of the blue he will shout "Time!"  It's like he started using some sort of CrossFit Common Core which allows him to count faster. Hey Einstein… Get your shit together and either use a calculator, get some chips, or just do the WOD but don't flaunt your cheating. It pisses off those of us that are old and slow but count our reps… 

The Conversationalist: Some CrossFitters can only talk about CrossFit. I know the running joke is “The first rule of CF is to talk about CF” but seriously it’s just a workout. Get another hobby, watch a movie, or read a book. There is more to life I swear.  I know this is rich criticism coming from a guy who writes a CF blog but I have other things I can talk about with just as much confidence. I just didn’t think there was much need for a blog centered around Pizza and Porn…

The Elite: These D-bags are the worst. They usually show up 15-20 minutes early so they can change out of their clothes and then spend 10 minutes looking at the whiteboard trying to figure out what everyone else’s times are. Then they take 15 mins more than everyone else warming up and putting on so much chalk it looks like they gave a mime a hand job. Once the WOD is over they spend 20 minutes in utter depression because they didn’t PR. Million dollar idea: Progenex should make a post-WOD anti-depressant shake. They could have Rich hand it out at the games to every one that finishes behind him…

The Non-Coach: Every box has this guy/girl (sometimes both). They are not part of the coaching team at the box but they have their level one and make sure to give you unsolicited advice or call “no-rep” on you whenever they get the chance. If you really want to drive a non-coach crazy wait for them to no-rep you and then do the next rep even worse. If they do it again, be worse still. When they start yelling just look at them and go “I don’t why I keep doing it. It must be your coaching.” Then drop an imaginary mic and walk away….

The Perv: This is the guy that giggles every time someone says “snatch” and “jerking” and will almost always set up his bar behind the hot girl doing deadlifts. These guys are usually pretty easy to spot. They are single, in their 40’s, write a CrossFit blog, and go by “JFW". It’s a really specific stereotype. Don’t judge me….

I’m sure I missed one or two. Feel free to put them in comments...



1 comment:

  1. I liked your writings a lot.For me, to bring crosfit confidence one need to get better training,practice,persistence and most importantly crossfit shoes for men and women.

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